No More!

Okay, no more philosophical, psycho-babble droning. I'm through with that. It's not me. I don't talk like that. Blah-didee-blah-blah-blah....there, that's more like it. I had an amazing Mother's day weekend with my son. We cuddled and played Lego's and went to arcade. It was so simple and drama free and warm. Just like I intend my life to be from now on. I'll go to my out-patient, my AA meetings, job-hunting, cat-naps, riding my bike in the new spring sun. Simple and warm and learning. Ahh, I'm starting to drone on. I remember when I was a teenager and my sister and I loathed our new step-father. My mother adored him, the first man to treat her with kindness and honesty and a love she had never known before. Maybe we were jealous. I don't know. But we made life miserable for them. It came to a point, where my mother felt she had to choose. She said, "I love James more than any man I've known. I want a life and future with him. The two of you do no want that. I wish you would, but you don't. So, I have to chose. And there is no question in my choice. The two of you will always come first. So, if you need me to leave him, I will." She said it so matter of factly, not a shake or a tear or a fumbling. My sister and I were stunned. Not by her response, not by her love and dedication to us, but by our selfishness. We immediately told her, "No, mom, you don't have to choose. We'll be nicer to him, okay?" We were still our rebellious brats after that, but we treated James with a respect we hadn't known before. That is how I feel about my son. He will always come first. Even at the expense of happiness with a man. As he gets older, he may want me to be happy in that way, but until that day comes, my son is the man in my life. He does not rule me or control me, but his love for me will guide all of my future decisions.

Tear Them Down

There is one thing to be independent, to be a strong, self-efficient woman in today's society, there is another thing to purposely wall people out of your life because you are frightened of control, of manipulation, of being vulnerable. No one can control us unless we allow it, and most of the times, what we may consider control, is just plain an attempt, a pleading to heal. I value my vulnerability, my honesty of self, my giving of my heart even though it may not be returned in the way I need it to. That is my control, my desire to have it my way. And that is wrong. There is no one way, no one right, no one wrong. There is an essential balance to the world, if we just open our eyes up to it. We can share our lives with others, even men, without burying ourselves in the process. I value my freedom, but that does not mean I can overlook my values and morals and feelings of others, just to attain what I think i need at that moment. To be selfless is to have freedom. To be aware of the importance of our life and our self and our wants and needs, but don't forget to weigh everything else. What are we sacrificing for our so-called Independence? How much more are we losing out on in the process? I don't want to be walled in. To be truly free, the walls have to crash down, the masks have to rot in the gutters, the heart has to open, large open slit in the chest and all. For all to see and all to love. I am alone now, but I will never be alone, not when I have myself, my god, my son, my heart, his heart. I have had love and it is still in me, feathering all the insides. That love makes me who I truly am. And that is where my freedom lies.

Who am I, really?

I recently went on astrology.com and had a Mayan astrology reading done on myself. The findings were quite interesting and disturbingly accurate. It accentuated my free spirit, my perfectionism, my self-competitiveness, my stubbornness, my essential need for freedom in all my relationships, my desire for excitement and my need to create it when it is not there. It was a bit eerie. As it described exactly what I am going through right now. These are not attributes of self to me, but I suppose if I am to overcome them, I have to admit them. That is the difficult part, but a necessary one.