No More!

Okay, no more philosophical, psycho-babble droning. I'm through with that. It's not me. I don't talk like that. Blah-didee-blah-blah-blah....there, that's more like it. I had an amazing Mother's day weekend with my son. We cuddled and played Lego's and went to arcade. It was so simple and drama free and warm. Just like I intend my life to be from now on. I'll go to my out-patient, my AA meetings, job-hunting, cat-naps, riding my bike in the new spring sun. Simple and warm and learning. Ahh, I'm starting to drone on. I remember when I was a teenager and my sister and I loathed our new step-father. My mother adored him, the first man to treat her with kindness and honesty and a love she had never known before. Maybe we were jealous. I don't know. But we made life miserable for them. It came to a point, where my mother felt she had to choose. She said, "I love James more than any man I've known. I want a life and future with him. The two of you do no want that. I wish you would, but you don't. So, I have to chose. And there is no question in my choice. The two of you will always come first. So, if you need me to leave him, I will." She said it so matter of factly, not a shake or a tear or a fumbling. My sister and I were stunned. Not by her response, not by her love and dedication to us, but by our selfishness. We immediately told her, "No, mom, you don't have to choose. We'll be nicer to him, okay?" We were still our rebellious brats after that, but we treated James with a respect we hadn't known before. That is how I feel about my son. He will always come first. Even at the expense of happiness with a man. As he gets older, he may want me to be happy in that way, but until that day comes, my son is the man in my life. He does not rule me or control me, but his love for me will guide all of my future decisions.