Rehab Journal

Day One:

I am both elated and terrified to be here. Yet this is where I am meant to be at this time in my life. Number one, I want to live. That is my first priority. I am safe here. Then, I want to live without alcohol, without its constant grip over me. I refuse to let it have control any longer. I want to think of it as poison, as a toxic substance that can only deteriorate my body, my life, my very soul. I want to believe this. And a large part of me does. but there is still a beauty to it for me that is difficult to let go. The crystal glass, the full-bodied red wine, the elegance, the calmness that smooths over all the negativity in my life. Even if it's only momentary. But then I cannot stop. After the second glass, I HAVE to continue. It takes control. I am its puppet and this person I do not recognize squeezes its way out of me. She is stubborn; she is bossy. She thinks she is the smartest and most beautiful even though she is slurring her words and has lipstick smeared on her teeth. She can be cruel with her words; she betrays those she loves; she lies and disappears into the night, allowing all who love her to worry and fear for her safety. She doesn't think of them. She is purely self-centered. And I loathe her. She is not who I truly am. I want to be rid of her once and for all, set her on the curb for the garbage truck to pick up, smash and compact her, melt her down, recycle her into the woman and mother she was meant to be.