Rehab Journal

Day Five:

I slept quite a bit today. I think mainly because I wanted the day to go faster, so my blackout days (no outside contact days) would be over. Tomorrow I get to hear my love's voice. In eight months, I have never not heard his voice for five straight days. I almost want to cry at the thought of it all. He is such a warming comfort to me, my best friend, my greatest supporter. I have put him through so much in the short time we have been together. The shame and remorse and guilt I feel for my addictive behaviors are beyond comparison to anything I have ever done to anyone. I have never fully understood how he could forgive me. He says it is because I have never lied to him, that I communicate everything concerning what I have done and how I have hurt him. He says it's because he loves me and believes in me, and my desire to change and heal. He is the strongest man I know, the most compassionate and sensitive, and also, the most forgiving. I could not imagine a life without him in it ( in any form we are meant to be). Yes, I'm a silly romantic. But I have never loved like this, not been loved in return like this. And it is such a gift, a miracle for me. Though how can I ever forgive myself? How long will it take for me to release the guilt and sorrow for how I have hurt him? Many times I have felt that I do not deserve him. I have pleaded with him to leave me. Yet, he stays. I want to be the woman who deserves him, the woman I deserve to be, myself.