Rehab Journal

Day Fourteen:

I have always believed events in my life have happened for a reason. Whether positive or negative, our actions, decisions, and choices are all a learning experience, a lesson to grow from. I can look back on my past, on even the traumas and the loss and pain, and say, "well, if that hadn't happened to me, if I hadn't made that particular choice, I wouldn't be where I am today. This particular wonderful thing in my life may not have happened." For example, had my mother not died, I would not have started to drink heavily and gotten involved with a particular man. Had I not gotten involved with said man, I wouldn't have my beautiful son today. I can accept all of this on an intellectual, analytical level, yet it has been very difficult for me to truly accept it on an emotional, spiritual level. But only I can accept that I am an alcoholic and only i can accept the need for healing and recovery and peace. I see the golden pathway. I'm even standing on it. Now, I just need to begin to walk forward.
Later in the day:
I'm sad. I've been trying to organize a Christmas caroling group because I love to sing and I though it would help everyone alleviate sadness and loneliness during the holiday. Three girls had agreed to join and I had set up a practice this evening for 6pm. I reminded them all before hand and they all seemed very excited and enthusiastic. I rounded up all the lyrics and sat in the Ed room waiting for them to join me. I sat, I waited, I waited more. After half an hour I came to my room to write this. I'm disappointed and sad. I realize people get busy or distracted or forgetful, but it just would have been nice of them to let me know beforehand that they weren't coming, or that perhaps weren't interested anymore. I don't want to take this personally. I don't want to be hurt over something this trivial. I hate being so darn sensitive. I hate having to constantly wonder if people really like me or if they are just pretending. I hate having to have acceptance from other people to feel worthy. I have so much to work on myself, besides my sobriety, that it's overwhelming. I wish I could be stronger, have more of a backbone, not care what others think of me. I wish alot of things. I suppose it's up to me, alone, to make it happen. No, not alone. With God and my angels and my mother. I'm not alone. Yet why does it still feel that way? I just feel like avoiding everyone right now.