Rehab Journal

Day Two:

I'm getting worried. I can already notice myself isolating. I'm enjoying going to the classes, disciplining myself with routine, but as soon as there is any free time, I seem to want to escape to my room. This has been a relapse trigger I have noticed from the recent past, so that is why this is leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I also seem to be getting quieter and more withdrawn. everyone is so friendly and open here (almost everyone). I want to be able to open up, share who I am, make friendships, find support systems. But the more outspoken others are, the meeker and fearful I feel. I have the tendency to pretend that all is fine and dandy, when in reality, underneath, I am anything but. I don't understand why this is so difficult for me, why I must show a false, happy face all the time. And then it eats at me and I need release. So I drink, thinking that this will allow me to show and express my true emotions. But really, in actuality, all it does is suppress them even further. I care so much what others think of me. I care so much if people like me or not. I have to be viewed in a good light or I'm a failure, unlovable, unworthy of friendships. I have been struggling with this since I was a child. Always needed the attention, but never reaching out myself. Always waiting for others to show interest first. That is why I liked drinking. I could approach anyone, think of myself as charming and confident. I would finally get to make the choice, myself, as to who is in my company. Instead of sitting around, impatiently, waiting to be noticed. I want to stop this viscous cycle. I realize it may just take some time. My shyness and insecurity may dissipate the longer I am here. I truly hope so. Yet, I want confidence, as well, not just hope. I want action, not stagnancy. I want healing, not isolation.