Day Fifteen:
Had a nice visit with my son, Connor. Though we were both anti-social and shy. I'm very tired and exhausted. I miss my family. I miss my outside life (though not the drinking binges). I'm feeling claustrophobic and everyone is irritating me. I want to leave. To run. I'm sick of crying everyday. I sick of being nice to people and them not being nice back. I'm sick of screaming babies and drama and gossip and rules. This is normal, right? To feel this way? Will it go away? What if I run? What if I mess this all up? I can't hate myself anymore than I already do. I don't know what to do. This is just a bad day, right? I'll feel different tomorrow, right? I just want to breath. I want to cook dinner. I want to watch cartoons with my son. I want to take an hour long bubble bath. I want to laugh, a real laugh. And yes, fuck, I even want to drink. Make this go away. Please, God, make these feelings go away.
Contemplation
Answers in the mist
Look! I have muscles!
HEAVEN...
Strangling with love
For my mother
Knock-off Chanel glasses on a late spring day
A Burst of Happy
Painting I was entranced by
Nervous Girl
Edgefield Gardens
Red Dress Night Out
Peephole into life
4 comments:
Hi Yahni Lei,
I'm so glad you're writing this all down. Thank you. I want more. Very internal, perfect diary stuff. Perfect. Do you feel like taking it external? Cracking particular thoughts open with scene and stuff? In the meantime, keep writing it down. You're doing great. Brave stuff. I'm proud of you. Would love to read more. Want to know you're writing. Thank you for sharing this with me. XXOO
Forgot to mention Craig's been reading this too and left a comment for you over on MMV. :-)
Yahni,
Your journal is powerful stuff. Very gut wrenching, but also uplifting. It takes a lot of courage to make the commitment and see rehab through, but also to share your experiences as you've done here.
Like you, I tend to believe, that things happen for a reason. I try not to live with regrets (but that's an impossibility, isn't it) because all things are part of a whole. The good things in our lives would not be without enduring the bad.
Within your journal, the angst and acceptance, pain and hope, there is a very powerful story.
Organizing your experiences and thoughts could make a powerful, cathartic story, even if you don't take external. The act of making more of a story may help you bring some of these thoughts into perspective. The contrast of flight instinct to desperate resolve. Studying your internal emotions through the sometimes convex mirror of those who you shared your rehab with.
I'd love to read more of your poetry (I'm more narrative with my poetry as well.) If you should find time to share some of your work, I'd love to read it.
Please, keep writing.
Craig
Craig, you're so damned awesome. :-)
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