Rehab Journal

Day Forty-Nine:

Whew! What an emotional day. I was ready to sit down with you (my councilor) and give an explanation of my concrete, rational plan to leave here once again. I had every detail in my head, where I'd go, how many meetings I'd go to a day, a job seeking plan, a continuation of all my homework, everything. After Dee left last night, in the disturbing way in which she had to leave (being physically threatened by another resident), I felt I too could not continue on here in this chaotic, drama-seeking, negative environment. I did not feel it was benefiting my personal recovery in anyway, but only dredging it down to a mucky place far outside of myself. I didn't sleep at all last night and I was adamant in my decision, and my strength in my continued sobriety and recovery. What changed? Fear, resentments, blameful anger, helplessness. Once I realized these emotions, I knew I couldn't leave. These are all pre-relapse warning signs for me, and as confident as I may have felt walking out those doors again, it would've eventually caught up with me. I would've drank. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but as soon as any mini-crisis faced me. I would ran full force to my rescuer, my my elongated bottle of red. That is how I know now that I can't leave yet. I am not ready. Still way too much to learn. I'm already exhausted. blah!