Rehab Journal

Day Twenty-Four:

Overall, today was a good day. Lots of relaxation and laughter. I did have a bit of a frustrating visit with my son today. He actually seemed depressed. I tried to perk him up. We went to the TV room to watch cartoons and wanted to leave after ten minutes, claiming boredom. I asked him if he wanted to play a boardgame and he said no. Then I took him to the Ed room and asked him if he wanted to draw. He hung his head and said fine. We were having fun for about five minutes when he said his drawing was stupid and crumpled it up. I don't understand why he thinks so lowly of himself. I have always made an effort to praise him and compliment him. Yes, rarely, in the heat of the moment, unkind words have come blasting out of my mouth. But I always apologize 2 seconds later, tell I didn't mean it, and tell him over and over that I love him. Maybe this has done more damage to his self-esteem than I had thought. I feel horrible and ashamed. For the first time ever, I looked at my almost pre-teen son and thought, I don't know him at all. He seems like a stranger to me. I wanted to cry. I tried to talk to him about why I was here and I asked him how he felt and that he could share anything with me. He just clammed up and shook his head and said, I don't want to talk about it. Well, sweety, you need to talk to someone about your feelings. It will really help, I said. He shrugged his shoulders and answered, I don't talk to anyone about my life. I'm so worried about him. He can't keep this all festered inside. It will eat him alive. I love him so much and just want to see him happy and feel safe and taken care of. He did share one thing with me though. I was trying to shar possible living arrangements for when I leave here, and he said very sternly, I don't want to live alone with you, just you and me, unless it's right next door to Granny. I said, Is it because I left you alone that one night to get more to drink and you were really scared? He couldn't even look me in the eye. Yes, is all he said. How can I ever forgive myself for what I have done to my beautiful child? I just want to wrap him in my arms and promise him that everything is going to be okay. But, right now, I can't promise him that. And besides, he rarely allows me to hug or hold him anymore. Will just remaining sober repair all of this? Is it even repairable? Will he ever trust me again? I need to pray.