Rehab Journal

Day Twenty-Six:

All I want to do is sleep. When I open my eyes, all I feel is pain, wrenching sadness that feels almost unbearable. My boyfriend came for a visit yesterday. And we finally got the courage to discuss "us". I had been disillusioned since I had been in here. Thinking, assuming, fantasizing that everything was perfectly okay between us. That since I was here getting the help I needed, that our previous plans of living together, then marriage, then children, were a solid reality as long as I stayed sober. As I said, this was a delusion, this was false hope that I felt i had to hold onto just to feel safe and sane. But as we talked, reality set in. I am the love of his life and his best friend and he wants nothing more than to see me heal and recover and be happy. But because of all the pain I have caused him in the past eight months, he cannot promise any of those things I was hoping for: marriage, family, growing old together. So he didn't know where we were as a couple. No label could be put to it. He knows at this point that I cannot give him the absolute promises he needs to have a secure partnership: sobriety, fidelity, trust, rational communication. I wish I could promise him these things right now, but my reality right now, tells me that I cannot. So where does that leave us? We both said, I don't know. We are stuck in limbo, in this weird, undefinable, uncertain place. it's going to take a long time for both of us to heal, so this limbo status could be a very long time, or it might not, he said. He seemed fine to stay there in that unknowing place, and just to see, day by day, where it takes us. Whether it brings us closer or tears us apart. He was so calm with this conclusion. I wasn't. I can't be in limbo. I need to be either together or not. Yes, I'm a black and white thinker and I hate it, I told him, but I can't be in here trying ti focus on myself and my healing and my recovery, when everyday I'm worrying about "what" we are. So then it's over, he said. I answered, Yes, right now, I think it would be best if we were just friends. I was crying. Are you sure that is what you want, he asked. I think so, yes, I answered. We hugged. We cried. We told each other we loved each other. We promised to support each other in any way that is needed. And then he left. And I am dying inside. I have never loved like I have loved him. I have never hurt like I have hurt him. I have never grieved over a man like I am grieving now. I am breathing and that is all I am capable of right now. maybe tomorrow, maybe a smile. There are no guarantees.