Rehab Journal

Day Thirty-Three

(no entry for day thirty-two)
I had a wonderful visit with my boyfriend yesterday. We were both a little nervous at first. I didn't quite know how to act, what was appropriate, ect. Then, I took some deep breaths, told myself how ridiculous I was being, and then I was able to relax. I mean, c'om on, it was just my boyfriend, not an Ivy league dean I had to impress or something. With this new found understanding about our relationship, I realized I was able to speak much more candidly and openly and honestly, without guilt or fear, or terrified about his reaction, that if I said the wrong thing, he was just going to up and leave me. I didn't have that weighing me down and it felt so freeing. He truly is my best friend and I am so grateful to have him in my life. Even though we can't "be together" as we would like right now, there is still so much love there. Love and comfort and hope. But right now, I get focus primarily on me without feeling guilt that I am neglecting others, and that feels so miraculous. I am thanking God every night for my sobriety, my acceptance, my new positive attitude, my ability to let things go, my new healthy self-talk. And every day, I'm feeling stronger and more secure on living my life the way I was supposed to live it. I still have a fear of relapsing. But that is normal. And I feel it is healthy fear, not debilitating fear. Gosh, just what a great last four days I have had. I pray they continue.