Rehab Journal

Day Forty-Seven:

After reading over my long-winded, but very important to write, paper about my leaving and my relapse, I feel I know myself alot better. And it's definitely not all pretty. I've realized that guilt is my number one source of my acting out and my alcoholism and my self-harm. This is something I really need to face head-on and learn the needed tools to release that.I cannot feel responsible for everyone else's feelings: I will repeat this daily! I also realized how controlling and manipulating I am when concerning my relationship with my boyfriend. He is not perfect, far from it, but these accusations I am putting on him are just a mirror image of myself. I can see that now. And now, I can work on changing it. I've also seen, that when I'm in pain, I need the closest person to me to be in just as much pain as I am, even if I have to cause it myself. I don't understand this one, but I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about it. I think I also need my boyfriend to feel just as much guilt as I do. He is hurt by something I said or did...I feel guilty...so I hurt myself...making him feel guilty for causing me that pain and guilt. It's a horrible, vicious cycle and it needs to be stopped. I have so much emotional damage to work on. But I also need to stay sober. Can I do them both at once, or is that too much at one time?