rehab Journal

Day Twenty-Three:

Today was a much better day. I'm realizing how much I need people, especially female support. The emotional intimacy women can give each other is incomparable. Our empathy, our instincts as to when someone is in pain or lonely or just needing a hug or a shoulder. I didn't realize how much I needed this until recently. Actually, that's a lie. I've always known I've needed this. There was just no one available to give it. My mother as this type of support for me, and when she died I felt there was no one to take her place. My closest girlfriends all live out of state, so I was able to get verbal support, but not the nearness, the physical aspect of it. And my godmother, whom I've lived with for the last ten years, she, well, she's not the huggy-type. She's an amazing, giving, selfless woman, but when I was struggling or sad or depressed, she just wanted to fix me. She wanted to talk it out and rationalize it and fold the pain up into a little box to be place up on a high shelf. when All I wanted, all I needed, was to be held, to be loved, to be listened to without judgement. I would tell her this and she would always feel bad that she couldn't give me this, but it just wasn't in her natural make-up. So, I am thankful that I am here with all of these open arms. And I am determined to keep this kind of support when I leave.