Rehab Journal

Day Sixty-Two:

Kind of an in and out emotional day. One second, gloomy, the next, laughter. Strange fluctuations, but quite normal for me, especially since I'm quite sure I'm still going through PAW (Post Acute Withdrawal..can last up to six months). My son came and visited me tonight. It was wonderful. We were both in out-going, silly moods. And then it was time for him to leave. I haven't seen him that affectionate in a long time. Usually, he loathes being here, but tonight, he actually refused to leave. For 10 minutes at the door, he wouldn't stop hugging me and cuddling up and kissing me on the cheek. He was holding on for dear life. And it took every ounce of my strength not to walk out of those doors with him, as he cried walking to the car. It was beautiful and heart-breaking. But made me realize again my motivation for being here, for remaining sober. But, god, I'm so scared. So scared I will relapse again. And I'm so tired of being scared. When will I ever feel confident in my recovery?