Rehab Journal

Day Fifty-One:

The first half of the day was great and busy. I went to an AA meeting and actually spoke. I was really proud of myself. I'm feeling so much more confident and comfortable in those rooms with my fellow alcoholics. Then I had grief and loss class and shared the story of my mother's death. It was strange. I've written about that numerous times, so I didn't think it would affect me so profoundly. I didn't even shed a tear writing it this time. But when I had to read it out loud, the tear started a-flowing. But it wasn't painful; it was releasing. I came in my room afterwards and had another good cry and talked to her and actually felt her arms wrapped around me. It was an amazing, serene experience. But then the Hub staff came in and asked if I had seen my newest roommate. I told them not since the morning, since we had different classes all day. They left, and then my eyes actually focused. I looked over at her bed and her poster board was empty of all its pictures. I opened her dresser drawers...all empty. I ran out and told the staff. She had left, ran like a thief like I had without anyone knowing. I came back into my room and cried again, this time, painful ones. She was pregnant, for god's sake. I knew she would use. I feared so much for her and I didn't even know her. I know my new mantra...I am not responsible for other people's words, feelings, or actions. But it still hurt. It seems everyone I get close to leaves and it brings up all my damn abandonment issues. Fuck, Dee, why did you leave? I needed you! I am alone in my room now, and in a weird way, I feel this room is cursed. 3 people, including myself have run away just in the last 2 weeks. I know I'm not going anywhere, but it's still so hard seeing people leave. I want my sobriety so bad, but I'm still scared I might fail. I hope, in time, soon, in fact, this fear will leave me. It is the only thing I don't mind leaving me.