Rehab Journal

Day Thirty:

Self-pity. I am literary so sick and exhausted of self-pity. Do you know how much effort it takes to feel that sorry for yourself? I'm learning to be rid of it. Everyday, I feel it decreasing inch by inch, and self-love is sneaking its way in. I've hated myself for so long. I've missed out on so much life, so much beauty, so much opportunity. Well, no more. And I'm not even going to say that I'm going "to try," I'm actually going "to do." Is this the thinking error, super optimism? I hope not. I hope it's a growing confidence in myself, all my "selves" working in unison to aide in my healing. Self-pity, depression, woe is me: those feelings make me want to drink. And when I drink in that state, self-harm normally will occur. I don't want to hurt myself, to punish myself for reasons that are out of my control, or even for the "not so nice" things I've done to others. I mean, yes, I feel remorse, immense amounts of it. But how is cutting myself or swallowing pills going to remedy the situation? How would that possibly make the other person feel better, or even want to forgive me? That's ridiculous. And I don't want to feel that way anymore. I know I'm ranting, but I feel I need to repeat this over and over for it to really stick in my head, for all my selves to truly hear it. Today, I really like myself.